I have had just about the full spectrum of feelings regarding  video games and their place in our family.  For a while they were banished from our home- now we have 4 pc’s, a Wii console, and my daughter has an ipod touch.  However- I would like to appeal to all the moms out there who may be reading this to please encourage your children, spouses, friends, family , co-workers, neighbors-even the mail man! -I mean  everyone to please support a good cause by purchasing the newly released “The Exterminator” for iphones, ipod touch and ipad.

This game, which was released this morning, is the brain child of our high school youth group- 5 teenage boys- who were commissioned at the winter youth retreat to go out and make a difference in their community- and they were given $100 seed money to do it!  This video game is the “fruit” of that seed. And it sells for just $.99!

How can a video game make a difference in our little Greenhorn Valley Community you may ask?  Very simply, all proceeds of the game will go toward the purchase of a building in Rye, which will be used as a home for our church, Table Mountain Evangelical Free, but also as a community center to provide a place for our community to gather and a place for teens/kids in the community to come and have activities to keep them off the streets and out of trouble! See our website for a well detailed write up on this building and our vision for it.

So cyber-moms, dads, grandparents, aunts and uncles!  Help out our community by purchasing our game , “like” it on facebook and encourage your family and friends to do the same !

Hard to know what item of clothing to identify with being a “wife”. I just now landed on party dress, because when you have that nice party dress, it makes you feel beautiful and feminine, maybe like the princess we’ve always wanted to be.

Here’s the deal, I think I’ve forgotten how to be a great wife. I have been faithful, I try not to nag, I try to cook good food and keep the house clean, teach the kids, manage the basic home stuff so he doesn’t have all those extra worries on his head, try to save money and be thrifty- but I don’t know how to talk to my husband about deeper stuff, how to minister to him in truth and love, to encourage him- to FOCUS on him.

We set a “date” night each Wed, 9pm after kids are tucked in. We make a cup of tea and we sit and look at the floors and wall- part of me too tired to engage in anything meaningful, part of me so cram packed with things , I don’t know where to start. I feel stuck.

So I want to pull that “dress” out, because in a very few years, the kids will be gone and it will just be us- the mom “smock” will be to the side, and the “dress” will be out in front- I’ll have to wear it. I want to wear it.

So, I’m going to pull it out- it will probably take concentrated effort, maybe creativity to remember what nurtures my marriage, but I’m ready for it, because it is one of the most precious, beautiful “outfits” I have .

I feel almost hyper tonight, not philosophical. I’m trying to figure out why. It may be the 1/2 pot of coffee I drank today. Or just looking forward to the weekend. But you wanna know what I truly think it is, it is really silly, but I notice this about myself- when I see a good movie, or think about acting, it’s like “zi-zing!” Whoa- better than caffeine, sugar, or caffeine and sugar put together!

A couple of things happened today to bring on the “zizing”.
1) I watched a good, exciting TV show- go figure. I had given up all hope of ever seeing anything worthwhile on TV ever again. But there it was! “The Cape” It was interesting, exciting and clean! The hero is dad- a husband- and they have a good marriage! And I felt like they were honoring family.
2) My friend came over and talked to me about this Spring’s musical- probably going to be “You’re A Good Man Charlie Brown”- I get the “zi-zing” when I think about being on stage.
3) I just watched Kristen Chenoweth do “My New Philosophy” from “You’re A Good Man Charlie Brown” – she is soooo great! I wanna be like her when I grow up! I told that to my daughter , to which she said “Mom, you are grown up” (–blah., who asked her anyway!)

What a great way to start my weekend- with “ZI-ZING!” I’ll save the philosophizing for a Monday

But I am very glad to be home in a nice warm house. I am very thankful that we are getting some snow! And very thankful that God kept me safe and gave me a good day at work. And even more thankful I don’t have to go back out in this tomorrow.

The thing that I am most proud of from 2010 is ironically ( since what I posted about not being a career woman) related to my job! This past summer I went out to MN and crossed a picket line to earn some extra money. This was a real confidence booster for me- I had to take initiative with lots of different paperwork/ business type things and had to perform my job in a completely different environment with all new people- and I did it , and I did it professionally and well!

Also, this summer, I stepped out of my comfort zone in Women’s Health and went down to the ED to pick up some extra hours. This has been scary for me, even though I am not doing trauma or such. God has used it to show me that He is there, watching over me and has all my days in His hands.

Both these things were great because they stretched me- I grew. Crazy how growth is uncomfortable – I hate that! But even so, I look forward to my growth in 2011.

We are doing this right now. It is amazing how you really never do think it will touch you- But  it did touch our family and our church family, our whole community. All the cliche questions are actually deeply felt- “Why?!” being the biggy. Right up there is “What if I had only…….(fill in the blank–said hi to him, sat by him at lunch etc)” Plus all the emotions of grief- the anger (at bullies at school, at God for not stopping it), the denial (absolute disbelief that this is really happening), the guilt.

So, here I am as a mom and youth sponsor trying to see the way in this unexpected territory. It is now that I am so thankful of the promise that the Holy Spirit prays with groans that we can’t express when we have no words to put to our prayers. And I believe He is pouring out tears when ours are all cried out.

So what is a mom to do? . I have been praying non stop- for the family, for my family, for the youth group, for the kids at the middle school, for the teachers. I also have learned to go with , but not force it when it comes to discussions about what has happened. I honestly confess that I am as grieved and baffled as my kids are, but am always pointing them to my faith in a God who is big enough to handle all these emotions and questions. I cry with the kids. I hug my kids and make sure they know I love them. We turned to scripture for comfort- especially the Psalms. And tonight, we gathered with a large group of friends to share memories of our friend. To laugh and cry together is very healthy.

So that is all the plan I have for now, because I have never traveled this road before, it is one no one wants to travel. But traveling it with friends and family , keeping our eyes on Christ, is the only way we will make it.

Yesterday , I found it, brought it out and thoroughly enjoyed it. It is friendship. Being a friend, having friends. I didn’t realize how much I had been missing my friends until I was able to spend some time with them.

My kids are always asking ” when can we have a play day?” I realized yesterday, that I need to schedule “play dates” too. I laughed a lot, and it made me feel physically good, and relaxed.

So, out of the closet comes the “sweater” to be made a priority item in my updated wardrobe.

When I first enrolled in college, I was a PR/Communications Major. I had a lot of ambition and big dreams of jet setting, power lunches, sleek suits etc. The problem came when I hated my first communications class,. But God was working and I ended up in nursing.

Then, 2 years after I got my license and started working, we started to be very prolific I tried for 2 years to work full time and be a mom and wife, and didn’t do it very well. I was exhausted and grumpy and had no clue how to juggle it all.

When we moved to Colorado, I didn’t transfer my license.  We chose to let me stay home, be mom and wife, and eventually homeschool. In 2005, I did get my CO license and get back in the game out of financial need.

I am very thankful for the skills and profession that will always be needed, and I am thankful that nursing is such a flexible and diverse profession. I am able to commit to working only a few days a month, and if need be, I can pick up extra………….but………………….

I still feel the pressure. I choose to stay at home and homeschool my kids and I feel like I have to explain or make excuses why I don’t work more or go on to get certifications or more degrees. I have only one answer–

“I don’t wanna”

I am NOT a career driven woman, and I really don’t want to be. While sometimes, I feel like it would be easier to go somewhere else and clock in, my heart is here and honestly – I am content, taking care of and teaching my favorite people in the world. There are a lot of nurses out there that can do what I do on the floor, but I am the only mom and wife my family gets- I want to be able to give them the best I have.

So, sorry Business Suit – or I guess I should say Scrubs- while you don’t completely get the boot- you go to the back of the closet.

Char lovingly, but truthfully assessed some of my favorite outfits. She gave me some ideas about what colors and styles I look good in, in relation to my height and shape (which has gotten a bit too round–ugh) She even took pictures of me (front and back) in these various outfits to show me how I looked in them. That I must say was the most painful thing I have endured since my root canal last December!

And so, here I am at my heart’s closet, with Jesus to assess what I have stuffed in there- expectations that are way too big or way too small, commitments that have stretched me thin bare , sorting thru them all will be an adventure and maybe a little painful, but just opening the door to my closet and inviting Jesus to sort with me has given me a peace and joy and calm that I haven’t felt in a long time. I was even uber-productive today!

So tomorrow I will take out my first item, see if it will stay or go. Kind of exciting, kind of scary- just like some of those pictures Char took

No, more often than not, I feel like “Wander Woman”. Wandering from task to task, getting a lot started, having a lot of ideas, seeing things I want to change—but never following thru.

This is frustrating, discouraging and depressing to me, but I think I might have found a key in pages of this book. In her chapter “Returning What Doesn’t Fit” she talks about Jesus’ burden, He promises, is light. What drags us under is when we accept burdens we weren’t meant to carry. Other peoples expectations being one. Just because someone else wants me to take on something , doesn’t me I have to take it.

So, I think that to defeat “Wander Woman” I’ll spend some time seeking Jesus- let him tell me if the burdens I’m bearing are a perfect fit- if not, they go out the door to make room for what He want me to have.

“I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you”
Matthew 11:29
–The Message